There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. - David Platt
As another Sunday starts the beginning of a new week, many of us were celebrating with loved ones. Today is a celebration for those who have moms, are moms, are soon-to-be moms, grand-moms, and other moms of many types. However, for those other moms, today can be a not-so-gentle reminder that of loss, heartbreak, and longing.
I saw the above picture on Instagram by @bymariandrew and thought it was a great depiction of all types of moms. Imagine finding the love of your life and wanting to start a family, but after months and maybe years of trying, you can’t get pregnant. Maybe you have tried fertility drugs, have spent thousands of money, and are now feeling more distant from this loved one since these methods haven't been working.
Imagine having the nursery done, the baby shower, maternity pictures done, and the excitement of a lifetime. You are rushed to the hospital weeks early in panic mode and have finally been able to leave the hospital. You're being wheeled out in the wheelchair to the car, and you look over to find that another woman right next to you is doing the same--only she has a baby in her hands. Your hands--the hands you thought would be carrying home a child in the upcoming months--are empty as you prematurely gave birth to the baby you were ready for. You think you couldn’t feel much more pain, but months later, you notice its still there as strong as ever.
Imagine looking at a pregnancy test for the first time and seeing “positive” after months of hoping for pregnancy, only to find two weeks later that you are the 1 in 4 women who experience a miscarriage.
Imagine wanting to call your mom on this Sunday, like you’ve done in the last many years, but couldn’t because heaven doesn’t have a phone line. Imagine being 20-something as a new mom but have to Google parenting advice for the hundreds of questions you have after your mom lost her battle to cancer.
If imagining evokes sadness or grief, know that this is a normal response. For any of those mothers in these situations and for those who have lost their mother, this is for you:
You can’t turn back time.
You can’t wish away your days to be with your loved one in Heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing.
You can’t hurt so much that you get to hold your baby or will a pregnancy test to say “positive”.
You can, however, remember that you are just as much of a woman despite these struggles.
You can, however, remember the Mother’s Days you did have with your mom.
You can, however, love on your kids in the physical world and be in the moment with them.
You can, however, remember your mom in a special way on this day.
You can, however, call your mom and apologize.
You can, however, love yourself.
You can, however, love your baby.
You can, however, love your mom.
You can, however, offer yourself some grace on this hard day while still being happy for those celebrating.
To all the moms out there, you are changing the world.
Robin Helget, LMSW, CPT
*If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the above scenarios and many more, know that help is possible.* Call 785-408-7529 for more information and appropriate referrals based on what you need.
Therapist. Millennial. Social Worker. Dog Mom. Friend. Sister. Empath. INFJ. Lover of ice cream.