"Many of us confuse the need for achievement with the need for fulfillment. Achievement is more of a measurable concept. You set measurable goals for yourself, such as reaching $60k per year, and once you reach it, you’ve “achieved” that goal. Fulfillment is the feeling that of peace--that you know there is meaning in your actions, in your beliefs, and in the way you think. However, seeking achievement will never make you completely content. For a moment, maybe. You will constantly seek the next "next" to where you find yourself chasing the top of a never-ending ladder."
SOMEDAY IS A DISEASE THAT WILL TAKE YOUR DREAMS TO THE GRAVE WITH YOU," - Tim Ferriss
The last week has brought beautiful weather that makes me want to stay outside all day. The cool, crisp air somehow brings feelings of a new beginning for me, a fresh start, despite it being closer to an end of year.
Unfortunately, the weather doesn't last, and the motivation to stay outside and get out in the public doesn't either.
For others, it isn' the Fall that brings this feeling--the one of hope, light, and excitement--the giddiness to get up in the morning and feel the cool air trace along your cheeks. Even so, you can relate to the feeling. But what happens when, like everything else, it doesn't last?
Sometimes loss of motivation stems from underlying depression or crippling anxiety that tells you all the things to worry about. Other times, you just don't "feel" like getting out or leaving your bed. If you're not clinically depressed and maybe just finding yourself more unmotivated and sluggish, here are a few ways to gain the motivation back, make moves in your daily routine, and continue to be productive through being outside, getting things done, doing fun activities in the community, or meeting up with friends.
I remember coming home from school as a high school student, and my parents would ask me a series of questions: "How was school?", "How're your grades?", "How was practice?"
Some days it was a combination of the questions, others it was just one. I remember these mainly because I remember how I replied 80% of the time: "Fine". I fell into responding to questions, engaging with people, and contributing to dialogue with words or phrases including "fine".
"How are you?
This exchange in conversation used to be the norm. No one actually talked about how crappy their day was or was authentic in engaging in these conversations. Why? I can speculate numerous reasons, with a few being that people think it's socially unacceptable to talk about how they are really doing, that they'd be looked at differently if they didn't "have it all together", or because they didn't feel safe to be honest in that interaction.
We are living in a world of "I'm fine" robots-responses to many questions, and now, fast forwarding to present-day, it's changed.
"I'm fine" has now become "Good! Just busy!"
We have seemingly replaced this robot-response with a more productive, over-achieving, and hustling response to the "How've you been?" question.
"Good! Just busy," assumes the position of many things. We often feel like we have to respond with proving that we've been busy so that we're not looked at as lazy. In a world of be more, do more, achieve more, make more, "busy" has become the new expectation. As if we were saying, "Well if you aren't busy, then what are you doing, really?"
Think about the relationships you have and how you respond when people ask how you are or have been. Think about how you respond when someone asks how your day or weekend was. How do you reply? Is it with "It was good! Busy, but good!"
If you do, is there any other way to describe your day or weekend or state of being? Could you reply with answers to what you enjoyed doing, people you saw, or how you actually feel?
And on the receiving end, are you expecting people to say "Busy!" - are you open to actually hearing about how this person is or how their weekend was? Or do you nod and smile, asking no questions or validating remarks to actually engage in the conversation?
As a people, we get to decide how we respond. I challenge you to start being authentic with people. If you say things other than "I'm fine" or "Good, just busy!" you will often find yourself creating and maintaining more wholesome and connected relationships. Taking the time to hear someone, instead of brush them off in a hurried response, can be more intimate and relationship-building than you would think.
If you have article suggestions or topics you would like to learn about, drop a comment or email me! I'm always open to suggestions.
Placing judgment on yourself for being anxious increases the problem. You then go in a negative thought tailspin and have difficulty getting out of it. Remember, these thoughts are just thoughts.
When anxiety paralyzes you
Before I became a therapist, I never knew what to call what I was experiencing. As a teenager, I thought what was going on was normal--that everyone experienced it. I had difficulty sleeping, a constantly running mind, and negative self-talk that made me believe not-so-great things about myself.
Throughout college, I still struggled with it; however, because I was in psychology courses, I now had something to call what I was experiencing and what millions of other people experience on a daily basis: anxiety.
As I sit here trying to write about anxiety, I feel myself getting anxious. I feel it in my heart and in my chest. I feel it in my stomach where I typically will have severe nausea. I feel it in my thoughts, asking me things like “Who do you think you are?” and “You can’t do anything right.” I feel it in my hands, as they begin to tremble while my fingers graze across the keyboard.
Where do you feel anxiety?
Anxiety looks different from person to person but usually has similar characteristics. Anxiety can be a range of symptoms including persistent worry, fear, panic, increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, isolation, panic attacks, chest pain, or nausea. It can lead to many physical medical conditions in addition to psychological pain. Many people with persistent anxiety will argue that the psychological distress is far worse than the physical.
For me, anxiety is perfectionism. It’s a constant worry of things that could go wrong, ways that I am being perceived, or my stomach dropping if I make a simple mistake. It’s something that gets better and then gets worse. It comes in waves. It comes when you least expect it. It comes when things are going well. It comes when things are going poorly. It just comes.
While we can identify triggers and be aware of things that increase our anxiety, it’s even more important to know what to do when these symptoms arise.
What Do I Do?
Noticing the physical response I’m having just simply writing about anxiety is the first step to do something about it. Instead of forcing myself to continue writing and “get it done”, I took a small break after becoming aware of the symptoms to get up, walk around, and grab a drink of water. When I sat back down to write this paragraph, I physically felt more calm and am able to focus and write what I intend to write. Anxiety can paralyze you. It can cause you to avoid daily life tasks, people who are important to you, and makes doing simple things extremely difficult. Below are some things to do when noticing anxiety in yourself and are suggestions. It’s up to you to find the exact recipe that works for your anxiety symptoms!
1. Notice non-judgmentally.
In order to change any behaviors or symptoms, we first have to recognize that there is something to change. To notice when you are anxious, you have to be aware of how your physical body is responding. If you start to get hot, trembly, breathe faster and experience increased heart rate, you could say something like, “I am noticing my breathing get faster and my stomach feel nausea. I must be feeling nervous about something.” Additionally, it is not helpful to place judgment on yourself for feeling this way. These thoughts are something like this:
While these thoughts are the more instinctual thoughts, they are not helpful. Placing judgment on yourself for being anxious increases the problem. You then go in a negative thought tailspin and have difficulty getting out of it. Remember, these thoughts are just thoughts. You first have to notice they are there in order to change them.
2. Be curious.
As mentioned above, being judgmental about the way we are feeling or our anxiety is not helpful. Instead, be curious about the anxiety if you don’t know directly what the trigger was. For example these thoughts could look like this:
anxiety versus beating yourself up about it. Starting your thoughts with “I’m noticing” or “I’m observing that” creates distance between you and your anxious thoughts so that you can take action instead of become paralyzed and stuck in the ruminating cycle.
3. Take action.
In order to change our thoughts, we have to first be aware that they are there, be curious about why and then use coping skills in order to bring your body back to regulated. Once you start noticing your physical body getting escalated, you have to calm this down first. In order to calm our minds, we have to first regulate our bodies. In doing so, you can do anything using your senses. Examples include:
Robin Helget, LMSW, CPT
“Maybe there's more we all could have done, but we just have to let the guilt remind us to do better next time.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent
Guilt is an emotion that we feel when our behaviors goes against our values. Feeling guilty is a normal and common emotion that many of us feel; however, there are many times when guilt turns unhealthy: when we beat ourselves up for making normal mistakes, for living when someone else passes, or when we say “No” to someone who wanted to hang out. This article will explain the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt and offer ways to change and control your thinking.
As imperfect humans, we many times find ourselves making mistakes. When this happens, we have thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have done that”, “I need to apologize”, or “(S)he isn’t going to like me anymore after s(he) knows what I did in my past”. Through a therapist’s lens, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a type of therapy that focuses on how your thoughts shape our emotions which then shape our behaviors, explains that these thoughts will then lead to how you feel.
A common and healthy emotion that many of us feel when our behaviors don’t coincide with our values or morals is guilt. The feeling of guilt says “I know I shouldn’t have done that”. This is a normal and common emotion. What would happen if you didn’t have this emotion? You would likely be unaware of how your actions impact others, yourself or the world and have no reason to change your behavior.
Feeling guilty is a normal human response. When we feel guilty, we have the opportunity to change our behavior, make up for the mistake we made, and plan or choose to do differently in the future. However, there are times when feeling guilty can become unhealthy.
Unhealthy guilt stems from feeling guilty about behaviors that don’t necessarily go against your values or beliefs. It means feeling guilty simply by beating yourself up for making a mistake, or for feeling bad for sticking up for yourself, or for putting boundaries where boundaries are needed to be placed.
Many times, people with perfectionistic personalities or behaviors, people-pleasing tendencies, and “heroes” in dysfunctional families can silently suffer from unhealthy guilt. The effects of this can be detrimental and can include any of the following:
Example: Survivor’s Guilt.
Survivor’s guilt is feeling guilty for living when someone else didn’t. Although that may
sound harsh to read, feeling guilt after someone else passes is a normal response to
grief but can often lead to unhealthy emotions and behaviors.
Ways to Overcome Unhealthy Guilt:
Identify the thought.
We can’t change anything without having the awareness that the change needs to happen. To first change a thought, we have to identify what the thought is. Let’s use this example: You have worked 52 hours this week and had plans to meet with friends on Friday night for dinner and drinks out. By the time Friday is here, you are exhausted and aren’t looking forward to expending the energy to a group of people. You then decide to cancel and ask to reschedule the dinner. You have thoughts like “I’m such a horrible friend,” and “I’m so ridiculous”.
Find the evidence for the thought.
Ask yourself, "Why is this thought true?" This exercise should only include factual evidence as to why your thought is true. When looking at the example from above, can you come up with a fact about why "I'm such a horrible friend" is a true statement? If no, move to the next paragraph and ask yourself what the evidence is that thought is not true.
Find the evidence against for the thought.
Still using the example above, finding evidence why this thought isn't true is typically the hardest. It forces yourself to think about the thought from a different lens or perspective. Some facts why "I'm such a horrible friend" isn't true could be the following:
When the negative thoughts keep reoccurring, the first step, again, is to notice that they are there. Once you've gone through the steps above, identify a more helpful thought such as, "I know I'm a good friend because I've spent time with them recently and have been with them through many hard things." Doing this for each negative thought will allow you to see it from a different perspective, even if you don't believe it 100%. There was a time when we were young where we didn't believe every negative thing about us. We believe what we continue to tell ourselves so once you start speaking kindly, you will start to notice a shift in perspective and in the way you see yourself in the eyes of other people,
Use this replacement thought each time you have the guilt-based thought.
Repetition is going to be key, especially for the thoughts that are deep in your core. Catching yourself in negative thought cycles will help relieve guilt by rationalizing the thought and really making yourself think about whether it's your perception or if there are facts backing up your thinking.
Being aware of your thoughts and learning how to change them can prevent the behaviors and symptoms that stem from repetitive unhealthy guilt. Guilt is acknowledging that your behaviors aren't aligning with the way you want to live or what you know is right. With guilt, you are then able to change your behavior and become a better version of yourself, if you choose to. Unhealthy guilt, however, is based on negative perceptions of self and can turn into shame really quickly.
If you struggle with unhealthy guilt or negative thought cycles that prevent you from enjoying things in life, making changes, or moving forward in many areas, seeing a counselor or coach may be a next step.
Robin Helget, LMSW, CPT
There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. - David Platt
As another Sunday starts the beginning of a new week, many of us were celebrating with loved ones. Today is a celebration for those who have moms, are moms, are soon-to-be moms, grand-moms, and other moms of many types. However, for those other moms, today can be a not-so-gentle reminder that of loss, heartbreak, and longing.
I saw the above picture on Instagram by @bymariandrew and thought it was a great depiction of all types of moms. Imagine finding the love of your life and wanting to start a family, but after months and maybe years of trying, you can’t get pregnant. Maybe you have tried fertility drugs, have spent thousands of money, and are now feeling more distant from this loved one since these methods haven't been working.
Imagine having the nursery done, the baby shower, maternity pictures done, and the excitement of a lifetime. You are rushed to the hospital weeks early in panic mode and have finally been able to leave the hospital. You're being wheeled out in the wheelchair to the car, and you look over to find that another woman right next to you is doing the same--only she has a baby in her hands. Your hands--the hands you thought would be carrying home a child in the upcoming months--are empty as you prematurely gave birth to the baby you were ready for. You think you couldn’t feel much more pain, but months later, you notice its still there as strong as ever.
Imagine looking at a pregnancy test for the first time and seeing “positive” after months of hoping for pregnancy, only to find two weeks later that you are the 1 in 4 women who experience a miscarriage.
Imagine wanting to call your mom on this Sunday, like you’ve done in the last many years, but couldn’t because heaven doesn’t have a phone line. Imagine being 20-something as a new mom but have to Google parenting advice for the hundreds of questions you have after your mom lost her battle to cancer.
If imagining evokes sadness or grief, know that this is a normal response. For any of those mothers in these situations and for those who have lost their mother, this is for you:
You can’t turn back time.
You can’t wish away your days to be with your loved one in Heaven, if you believe in that sort of thing.
You can’t hurt so much that you get to hold your baby or will a pregnancy test to say “positive”.
You can, however, remember that you are just as much of a woman despite these struggles.
You can, however, remember the Mother’s Days you did have with your mom.
You can, however, love on your kids in the physical world and be in the moment with them.
You can, however, remember your mom in a special way on this day.
You can, however, call your mom and apologize.
You can, however, love yourself.
You can, however, love your baby.
You can, however, love your mom.
You can, however, offer yourself some grace on this hard day while still being happy for those celebrating.
To all the moms out there, you are changing the world.
Robin Helget, LMSW, CPT
*If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the above scenarios and many more, know that help is possible.* Call 785-408-7529 for more information and appropriate referrals based on what you need.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” -Viktor Frankl
I’ve spent many hours that likely accumulate to over tens of days thinking about how I could have done something differently or what I will do in that situation next time. These hours are an accumulation of zoning out during the day to spending nights wide awake. Many of these hours were spent thinking, trying to control or trying to change situations that were no way in my control.
I so desperately wanted this situation to be different. Can you relate? DId you want to do everything in your power to change the outcome, to re-open the closed door, to make him stay? Did you spend hours thinking about what you can do only to wind up sleep-deprived and more frustrated? This is often what happens when we try to control situations that are not meant to be controlled- they are meant to just happen.
I wanted it to be different, but it never was.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED
One day, I remember being tired. Exhausted, really. Tired of wishing for things to be different. Tired of wanting him to put in more effort, to think differently. Tired of wanting the weight to just fall off. Tired of getting angry over the littlest things. I was tired. I was so tired of my own self-loathing, situation I was currently in, and self-pity that I knew what I had to do. The only question I had was why it took me so long to understand what the solution was. Me.
I couldn’t change the past. I was not doing well at predicting the future and was really anxious the more I thought about it. Then, I knew it would be up to me.
If you’ve felt similar or currently find your headspace somewhere similar, know this: It’s going to be up to you. Many times we can’t change our circumstances, but we can change ourselves. We can change our perspectives. We can learn new skills. We can WANT to learn so that it withholds the values that mean so much to us.
If I don’t? If you don’t decide to change something within yourself and continue to spin your wheels rehashing that same thing over and over in your head with no willingness to do anything about it, then you’re there. You’re going to be stuck there until you decide to do something different. If you wait for someone else or wait for your situation to change, you’re going to be there: waiting...for a very long time.
Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust, wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, reflecting on his experience through physical and psychological torture. He couldn’t change his circumstances. He was in the worst place you could imagine, constantly being beaten, bones sticking out of his skin and being forced to walk on bloody and blistered feet. He had no food, little water, and was walked in the sewer of friends he watched die in front of him. He knew he had little power to do something about it, but he did. He changed his perspective in his delirious head. Amongst the horrors in the concentration camp, Frankl actively chose to look for the meaning. He chose to focus on the image and the memories of his family and wife. To relive those experiences in his head. He couldn’t change his circumstances, but he could change what he contributed to his suffering. He decided to not be a participant in it. Instead, he decided to change himself.
Robin Helget, LMSW
Millennial Life Coach
Therapist. Millennial. Social Worker. Dog Mom. Friend. Sister. Empath. INFJ. Lover of ice cream.